At what point do you let go of your past at let it stop affecting your present?
I’ve come to notice how often my past is truly making an impact on my present, both positively and negatively. But mostly, in terms of dating.
I always go into dating with the perspective of learning; learning the good, the bad, and the ugly of what I should and shouldn’t hold onto in my life. But with the more serious relationships in my life, I sometimes find insecurities that I had in those and held onto them and let them affect my present. When someone cheats on you, no matter how “over it” you are, the insecurity of someone doing it again is always in the back of my mind.
When I initially start dating someone, the second they don’t text me back, or you have no clue what they are up to that night, I always wonder if they are out with someone else. Not that I think that when you are dating someone at first that you shouldn’t be dating other people, that is until you have “the talk”. But that insecurity of the constant wondering if they are continuing to seek out other people, literally haunts me. And guess what; honestly, I do it. If I just start dating someone, I most likely will continue to swipe, maybe not nearly as much, but I definitely still do. Just being real. But even though I am doing it, I always wonder if they are doing it as well. Secretly, I probably don’t want them to be, but they probably are, and it’s really ok. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and it doesn’t drive me nuts in the process and those little insecurities from your past start to slowly creep in.
And thats where the issue lies, when are you truly able to let go of that fear? And more importantly, HOW?! HOW do you let go of that fear? I’m not really sure. It’s something that I need to work on because more and more often I’m finding that those insecurities and fears start to peek into my present relationships.
Something else I have noticed lately is that I have forgotten what being in a trusting relationship looks like. I have forgotten what a good man, who cherishes and cares about his woman looks like; and honestly, what it feels like. So when a new relationship does begin to develop, I get excited, and then nervous and fearful, and then excited, and then nervous and fearful. And those patterns keep going over and over again. Eventually, the nervousness and fear tends to takeover, and then ends up tarnishing the relationship all together. I try to make it stop, but that fear and insecurity starts to seep into my head and it takes over.
I guess it’s a matter of trust? Trust that the person you are with is a good person, whatever that means, and the ones who aren’t will eventually fade away. But that being said, I have so many negative experiences nowadays, that I think I have become somewhat jaded to the fact that it’s possible for things to go well and smoothly. I feel like I always think something is wrong, I said something bad, or did something to piss the other person off. And when that happens, I get insecure, shut down, and worry. I worry to the point where I will say something dumb and that eventually ruins it. It has happened so many times, and I don’t know how to stop repeating the pattern. It’s really myself. My own “stuff” I have in my own head, and the struggles I’ve endured in my past relationships with guys treating me poorly and me assuming that that’s how it is always going to be. I want to think that isn’t true, but sometimes I feel like it is and I let it eat me up.
As I literally read over what I just wrote, it all kind of makes sense. I have forgotten how to trust. Trust that the person I’m dating isn’t a liar, cheater, and is in it for the right reasons.
I guess what keeps me going is that I tell myself over and over that the right guy will stick around through it all. Through my uncertainty, my past issues, and will just sit and listen and understand that we all have insecurities, pasts, and things that make us who we are today. He will say that IT’S ALL OK. And I guess that’s when the trust starts to build… and you just have hope that it will last. And when that hope fails you, you have to keep trusting that he wasn’t the right one and stand back up again.
I’m putting this embarrassing trend out there in the open, because I’m pretty sure, actually, almost positive, this is how most people feel when you start dating someone. It isn’t just me. And it isn’t just you. It’s normal to wonder what the other person is doing, how they feel, are you “on the same page”, when are we having the next date, is he going to text me or not, but I think the key is just not letting it affect you. Easier said than done, I KNOW! But don’t let it bog you down. Keep on going. Tell yourself over and over, the right person will stick around for the right reasons. but there is one that is also patient with me and is willing to take on the good, the bad, and the ugly.