When looking back at 2019, it was a year of highs and lows, but something that I have come to realize is that unfortunately most years usually end up that way. I don’t know anyone that had a year of all ups, or all downs. Life is full of great moments and not so great moments, it’s just how you get through those lows that dictate your emotions for the following day, month, or even, year. I’ve had the highest of highs, and lowest of lows, (see my last post) but, most importantly, in 2019 while I still don’t have it all figured out, I have grown and learned more about myself, what I’m seeking in my life, what I deserve in a guy, and what I want for my future.
Looking back at my new years post from last year, I didn’t meet or achieve all of my goals for 2019, but I definitely think I made some progress. I didn’t end up making celery juice, or eating bookoos of veggies, or even finding the love of my life, but I did cook a lot more and eat out a lot less, learn a lot about myself, and had some crazy adventures! So regardless of the hard times, I still toughed it out. My only hope is next year, I take what I have learned in 2019, and apply it for a happier and fuller 2020. Here’s a little look back at 2019, and what I hope to achieve in 2020.
Work/Life Balance: For the first 9 months of the year, I literally worked 70-80 hours a week. Now, if you know me you know that work is incredibly important to me, has a large impact on my self worth, and in all honesty, if I enjoy what I’m doing, which I did at the time, I don’t mind working that much. I’m not complaining, simply because I had a job, a job that challenged me and I learned an endless amount about the startup world, but what I am saying is that I need to learn to find a balance between work and having a life. In those 9 months, I partied hard and worked hard. Any free time I had, I found myself dancing at the club till late hours of the night, simply because I felt like that was my one outlet of having fun while I was working so much. I didn’t have time or energy to workout, do yoga, see my family, or hang out with friends, so instead I danced to let all of my energy out. After working so many hours at my previous job, compared to now, having a job where work/life balance is a huge priority, I have come to realize how critical it is for me to have a life outside of work so that I can maintain my friendships, have some me time, family time, and fun time! My goal for 2020, is work hard, play hard, but not too hard. 🙂
Dating: Dating has continued to be one of the more interesting facets of my life. Every single date I go on I learn something; sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised, and sometimes let’s just say, I would have rather skipped the entire date (to say the very least), but I always take SOMETHING away from it. I think that’s how I continue to do it. I have a lot of friends who get so fed up with dating, and especially being on the dating apps. The stories that I continue to hear and experience are seriously mind blowing. But truthfully, I have learned to take it all with a huge grain of salt. If you un-match me before we even chat, ok fine, we weren’t meant to be, if you ghost me, well it’s your loss, and if you stand me up or treat me with disrespect, don’t be surprised when you end up on my instastories or my blog. Just saying. 🙂
I wrote last year about standing up for yourself when someone treats you poorly and how I have learned what I deserve… And while I think I know what I deserve, I honestly still allow things to happen that I probably shouldn’t. This past year, I dated a guy who treated me poorly in his actions and in his words. He needed help, and I thought I could help him, but I couldn’t and I couldn’t “fix” him, no matter how badly I wanted to, and how many chances I gave him, he still continued to walk all over me, let me down, and treat me in ways in which no woman deserves to be treated. I let it happen because I saw the good in him. He was the complete opposite of my ex; creative, in touch with his feelings and emotions, social, fun (maybe too fun), adventurous, and caring when he wanted to be. He was so different, than the typical men who I have dated, and I loved it. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but I chose to see the good, even when he showed me the bad, and even when all of my friends kept saying to me, “CASIE, YOU DESERVE BETTER.”
But at what point does the bad overtake the good? When they choose to go and party and get completely wasted over coming home and taking care of me when I was let go from my job? When they get aggressive with you when they have been drinking too much? Or when they chose to go look for drugs for hours over coming to spend time with me and my friends on my birthday? Even after going through all of those things, in the end, it was hard for me to let go, but truthfully, he let go of me, maybe because he found someone else who puts up with that, or maybe because he didn’t like my honesty when I told him things needed to change, but whatever it was, when it ended, it was hard for me. Why was it so hard when he was clearly treating me poorly? Because I saw the good. I saw qualities in him that I want in my future boyfriend/husband. I saw things that I had never seen in my past relationships, and I saw a glimpse of parts of a partner that I really enjoyed that I had never experienced before.
All of that being said, even through the hardest parts of that relationship, I learned a lot about myself and the person I want in my future. I think most importantly, I learned the hard way that I can’t fix or change any guy. I knew going into it that this would be challenging for a variety of reasons, but ultimately, they have to want it for themselves. And hoping that one day, while you are dating them, they will want to better themselves and change who they have been for most of their life, is pretty wishful thinking unfortunately. It doesn’t mean 100% that they won’t work on themselves or that they won’t change, because some people do, but usually, if it’s something they have been struggling with for a majority of their life, I truly feel that only they can be the impetus and I can and will never force anyone to be any different than they have always been.
That being said, what I want for myself is to be with someone who wants to continuously better themselves, not by just reading or listening to a podcast (which is a start, don’t get me wrong), but by DOING something. Actions. Speak. Louder. Than. Words. Don’t allow someone to constantly tell you, “OH, I KNOW, I PLAN ON DOING ____.” Or, “Don’t worry, I’ll be better another day.” Or “I so want to do that, but _____.” Wanting and doing are two completely different things. I want a Do’er, not just a say’er.
One thing that I will continue to do is not give up. It’s hard to keep going sometimes, especially when I’m constantly let down. BUT I am a firm believer in that if you stop trying, you will never find the person, job, or life, that you seek to have. So, never stop trying, don’t give up, and remember, the people who are worth the time in your life, will make the time for you, will treat you with the respect that you deserve, and all of the rest will just fall into place. 2020 dating goal is to keep on, keeping on. Per usual!
Handstands: While I’m still not a handstand expert, I have made some progress and I’m working on an elbow stand as well. I’ve really gotten back into yoga, where I feel like for a while there, a took a break, not because I wanted to, but my work/life balance for around a year was practically non-existent, and therefore, my yoga life suffered, along with many other aspects of my life. As a result, I noticed a dramatic difference in my body, and my mental well being. Yoga has had a profound impact on my mental health during some very trying moments in my life. Now I’m back, doing yoga at least once a week, trying to get back to where I was and master some new moves. One of my goals for 2020, is to do yoga at least once a week.
Eating Healthier: On average I would say that I cooked a big meal once a week, and ate it for lunch or dinner every day. For me, that was progress, whereas last year, I definitely didn’t cook as much, which obviously caused me to spend more money and not eat as well as I should have been. One of my goals for 2020 is to continue cooking more for myself, and cook at least once a week.
Finances: I will say, it’s been a tough year financially. Anyone who has been on unemployment will tell you that what they give you, hardly allows you to live. Well, at least that was my experience. Being unemployed for two months, was so incredibly hard for me. If you know me well, you know that I have a side job that I usually always do on Sundays; I grocery shop and deliver it to people on a platform called Shipt. I do it because I need the money, not because I wouldn’t rather be at brunch, or walking around the lake, because trust me, I would much rather be doing that. For those of you who have never been unemployed, having a side job, or part time job, isn’t really an option. The more money you make, for me it was over $140 dollars a week, they start to deduct from your already small, unemployment check. Therefore, I couldn’t work my side job more than once a week. Before I was unemployed, I had a financial plan, I was on the right track, but after, I’m now behind a lot of money, not because I didn’t want to work, but because I literally couldn’t. But this year, with all of my goals, I must make sure that I am being choosy with what I do with my money, because I’m going to Burning Man this year! Which isn’t a cheap endeavor.
2020 is a year in which I want to branch out, try new things, meet new people, and duh, go to Burning Man! My goals are tangible and based on things I want to work on in my life: fitness, going outside of my comfort zone, and continuing to grow and learn what I need to be happy in life and in love.
Goals for 2020:
- Go rock climbing at the gym at least once
- Try ecstatic dance at least once
- Be more creative, make some art, take more photos. Maybe even find a place where I can develop film pictures… Do you know of a place in Dallas?
- Take at least one dance class a month (ballet, tap, jazz, hip hop, modern)
- Try out sound meditation
- Go hiking. Man do I miss nature!
- Burning Man!!!!
- Get my finances in order!
- Create a house track…. 🙂
Looking back at 2019
I saw A LOT of bands/djs!!
Here’s a list of some of the one that I saw!
- Big Wild
- Rufus du Sol
- Blue October
- Andrew Bayer
- Bob Moses
- Andreas Henneberg
- Eagles and Butterflies
- Mikey Lion and Lee Reynolds
Things I did/ Accomplished in 2019:
- Found a new passion, music: Music, similar to dance, makes me feel so alive. It’s really hard to explain, but I grew up around the arts and music. I danced for over 20 something years, and whenever I go to see live music, I just look, in awe, of the musicians, creating, playing, and doing what they love. If you have ever been to a concert with me, whether its to see Big Wild, at It’ll Do, or just watching a couple of musicians at a small jazz club, I always take a moment, or a lot of moments, to look around the room at the crowd, see all of the smiling faces, bopping heads, and people just enjoying the good vibes. For me, it’s life changing. It makes me smile to see people smiling, it’s contagious, and makes have all of the good feels. I think thats why I have gravitated towards it so much this past year. Music was truly life changing for me in 2019.
- Got a job, lost a job, and got a job again!: I’m beyond grateful for the new opportunity I have been given. I’m working for an amazing company, with kind and great people, AND icing on the cake, the company is all about something I am so very passionate about, travel. I would say, this was my biggest accomplishment of 2019. I never dreamed of being a part of such a great company. And as I said before, I am so very very grateful for this opportunity and don’t take it for granted for one second.
- Went to my first house music festival in San Diego: So I must admit, it was a tad overwhelming at first, it reminded me of being back at college, in the way that it was a VERY southern California crowd (that’s University of Arizona for ya!). Twenty something year olds, a bunch of frat boys being crazy, totally took me right back to my college days… gosh that was a long time ago! BUT, it was all about the music… I saw my favorite artist, Anna Lunoe, and even took a picture with her. It was probably the highlight of my trip. I loved the music, and icing on the cake, I got to spend time with one of my best friends who lives in San Diego.
- Had so many great memories with my friends. I am so very grateful to have them in my life. Each and every one of them has helped me to get through the good and bad times this year.
2020 is going to be a year of doing new things for me. Meeting new people, going to Burning Man events in Dallas, working out my body in different ways, and honestly, I can’t wait! I challenge each and every one of you to go outside of your comfort zone, and try something new in 2020. Ask someone out on a date, go up to a stranger and chat with them, go rock climbing, or just go take a walk outside. But most importantly, challenge yourself to do something new and exciting, and who knows, you could meet your person, or even better, find something new that you are passionate about and love to do.
For each and every one of you who played any part of 2020, thank you for all of the memories!
Here’s to 2020, and all of the good and challenging times that lie ahead!