About a week ago, I wrote about being 33 and fabulous. Yes, I am excited for what this year may bring, but at the same time, I think it’s really starting to hit me that I’m 33 and single. Sure, there are difficulties no matter what stage of life you are in, single, married, divorced, have children, they all pose certain challenges, and I am by no means taking away from the difficulties that lie in being in one/all of those situations. But I’m also telling you, being 33 and single is definitely NOT a piece of cake, (and not to mention, my ovaries aren’t getting any younger) especially when you want to be in a relationship and married with children, just as it seems 90% of your Facebook news feed is.
I guess I have a hard time not comparing myself to others. People always say, “Don’t compare yourself, you never know what people are going through, and be grateful for what you have.” And while that is true, and I am very grateful for what I have, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want more. I find myself asking myself fairly often, “When will it be enough? When will I be happy with what I have as opposed to always seeking more?” When I make more money? When I own my own business? When my blog is successful? When I’m married? When I have kids? When I’ve traveled the world? Will all of that be enough then? I’m not so sure, but I would like to think that it will be.
I guess in some ways, I’m not content because I feel like everyone is moving forward with life; new jobs, having a baby, getting married or engaged, and somehow I’m still in the same place where I was over 4 years ago when I just moved to Dallas. I feel stuck. I try so hard to move forward in several aspects of my life, and maybe that’s part of the problem, I try too hard. People always say, just let it happen, your time will come. But in all honesty, at this point, I’m having a difficult time feeling like it will in any aspect of my life.
That brings me to why I try to make things happen with guys, who in reality, aren’t truly available. No, they aren’t married, but they might as well be. I try SO hard to make it work, I will do anything; spend money that I don’t have, travel across the U.S., but in reality, it never would because of the timing and the circumstances that they are in. Wow, I sound desperate here, but I think I am just a hopeless romantic who thinks that if you put the work in, so will he, and regardless of the situations, no matter how naive that may seem, he will fall madly in love with me and we will live happily ever after. But after a few heartbreaks, and a lot of tears shed, I’ve come to learn, that this really isn’t the case.
About a year and a half ago, I sent a text to someone who I have known since I was 11 years old. I met him at the Maccabi Games, where I was the cute 😉 dancer and he was the nerdy racket ball player, in Charlotte, North Carolina, and we INSTANTLY had that 11 year old “love connection”. After not seeing him for over 10 years and endless IM’s, emails, snail mail, and phone calls, I finally made the trip to see him in North Carolina my sophomore year of college, and then, not too long after, he came to visit me in Arizona and went to the Grand Canyon together. The trip to the Grand Canyon was one of the most fun, easy going, and memorable trip that I have ever been on. Then, he happened to be in Israel while I was living in Israel, however he was serving in the military, so his schedule was a bit all over the place. I always hoped that when I was in Israel, we would be together, but of course, he had a girlfriend most of the time when I was there, which obviously made it quite complicated. Throughout our lives, our paths had crossed a few times, there were definite feelings there and strong ones at that, but the timing was unfortunately never quite right. We always talked about the “what if’s” in our lives, “What if you moved to North Carolina, or what if we moved to Israel together? Or imagine what it would be like to even just be in the same city for more than a few days.” We had these, “what if” moments throughout various points in our lives for over 19 years.
When I moved to Dallas, and met my ex a few months into being here, he told me I wasn’t allowed to speak to him anymore. So out of respect for my ex, and I completely understood why, I stopped talking to him. When we broke up, I reached out to him, hoping he would be single and we could start talking again, but this time, he was married. Of course, there was a part of me that was hoping that this would be my happily ever after story with my Maccabi sweetheart, but to my dismay, it didn’t work out that way. People always say, if it’s meant to be it will work out, and in this case, sadly, I guess it just wasn’t.
This story may seem like a young love story, that really wasn’t so complicated, but trust me when I say, there was definitely drama there at times, and there were many disagreements and tears over the future and what it looked like with or without one another. I felt like there were so many times where he would “promise” to fly here or there, call me at this time, or we would see each other soon, and I was almost always let down. I have come to learn, that a lot of people in this world are all talk and no action. In all honesty, when I’m dating someone I now wait to be let down, because I’ve become so accustomed to it (that’s sad right?!). I guess I always just wanted to think that it would work out, no matter how difficult the situation was, and he would make the effort no matter what, just like I would do in a heartbeat because I wanted to be with him. I thought he would eventually choose me, but he never did, and I think this one example has led to a recurring theme in my life of me just trying to win a guy over no matter what the obstacle may be.
In relationships and dating I always find myself saying, “I can help, I can make it better, I’ll help you move forward, I can fly there, I’ll get a job there,” but in reality, I usually can’t. I always want to be the fixer, I want to show you that I can be there for you during your difficult times, I’ll be your ride or die, but most of the time, and understandably so, they just need time to do whats best for them in that moment and be a little selfish. I get it, but I continue to just give, give, give, and end up with nothing in the end. It hurts. I’m tired of it, it’s exhausting, and it makes me feel like what I’m giving isn’t enough and will never be enough, and that’s constantly been one of my struggles in life, feeling like I am enough. Looking back, I have come to realize it’s because of these bad situations that I put myself in, not letting go, and not coming out on top, that makes me feel this way about myself. I need to work on valuing myself enough to put myself first, be a little selfish, and not put myself in someone else’s complicated situation which may lead to me being hurt in the end, because I truly deserve better than that. I deserve someone who doesn’t just say ‘what if,’ but actually does it, that will fly across the world for me, that will be my ride or die, that will help me move forward, and will help me to overcome the difficult times. And I just have to keep telling myself that I AM ENOUGH every. single. day.
So wow, this post was depressing, sorry for being a downer, but this is real, life an struggles that I’m going through, and everyone has them, but I just happen to put them out there (no surprise there 🙂 ). Don’t get me wrong, I love the fashion, foodie, and traveling aspects of my blog, but this is just the raw and unfiltered me. Fortunately, or unfortunately, as I always say, “It is what it is”.
Have you been involved in a complicated relationship? And/or do you notice a recurring theme in the people that you date?
Let me know how you have overcome these situations in your life!