What I deserve and want vs. what I get:
What I deserve: Some one who chooses me over a substance.
What I get: Someone who chooses to go out and party, and I mean on another level, over coming to make sure I’m ok when I lost my job.
What I deserve and want: Someone who communicates. Not everyday, or even all of the time. But someone who lets me know that they care, “Hey, just thinking about you! Hope you are having a great day!”
What I get: Radio silence for 3 days because you are too busy partying and probably hooking up with other girls. Hey, I’m all about having fun, but maybe I dunno, include me or just text me and not hide what you are doing.
What I want: Someone who makes plans. If you are interested, you make the time and effort to sit down for an hour or two to have coffee or a drink. Everyone is busy and has their own stuff going on, but you make the time if you really want to see/meet the person.
What I get: Someone who wants to chat for a month, then asks me out for a drink when I’m busy. Sorry, my schedule doesn’t revolve around when you are free. Or actually, another thing, don’t make concrete plans and then be like OH SORRY, I’M HUNGOVER. Can’t make it. Yeah, no. You are crossed off no matter how “awesome” you are.
What I deserve: Someone who doesn’t just think about themselves, whether that means in person when you are chatting, or physically. Dude, ask a question about me. It’s not all about you… You want a partnership, then you should probably want to know about me as well.
What I get: Lately, I have noticed a lot of men being incredibly selfish, in a variety of ways. I want a guy to care about my life and my needs as well. It isn’t all about you, just as it isn’t all about me! Ask me a question every once in a while, or try something that I like!
What I deserve: Someone who has some sort of ambition, I don’t care if you are making pottery or a CEO of a company. Just have some sort goals in life.
What I get: Men who have 0 goals in life. As I am currently unemployed, I clearly know the job struggle. But I have a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life, and I am working towards it everyday! I want a guy who wants to succeed and has goals, in any field! If you are sitting on your ass, or partying it up all of the time, with no ambition in life, then that isn’t good enough for me.
I’m writing all of these things, because these are all things I have dealt with in the past 2 months. Yes, only 2 months. The dating life has well, been a struggle, and hasn’t be easy, as most single men and women can attest to. But something I have noticed about myself, and making me feel even more down, is that I have been allowing men in my life, that well, don’t necessarily treat me the best (this is the understatement of the century). And the worst part is that I accept it, and let them keep doing it. I have this awful pattern, I would say for most of my life, that goes back to when I was 11 years old, that I’m having a very hard time breaking. I have been going to therapy to figure out why, and the thing the reason why I keep repeating it is because I don’t value myself enough to realize that this isn’t ever acceptable or ok. I’ve been allowing men to run over me, treat me poorly, and accepting it and making excuses for their behavior like it’s normal and ok. But it’s not. I think, especially not having a job and being let go, has tremendously affected my self worth, and as a result, I have been accepting bad behavior simply to have someone in my life and not be lonely. And let me tell you, there were definitely moments of having these men in my life that has been more detrimental to my health than being alone.
“But it’s hard being alone.” I hear this phrase from friends ALL OF THE TIME. Whether they are married, single, or divorced, they all feel exactly the same and I’m no exception. It is hard being alone. The most difficult times of the day are times when I’m sitting at home, with nothing to do, wishing someone was there to simply ask me how my day was, or go to dinner with. But I don’t have that, and people who do oftentimes say, I wish I didn’t have to answer to anyone, or I wish I had some time to myself. The grass is always greener, but I know that people would most of the time rather be with someone than be alone, even if they are in an unhappy marriage, most of the time, the reason for not wanting a divorce is because it’s better than being alone. Being alone has been one of the most difficult parts of my unemployment journey. However, I will say that my friends have been amazing through all of this and they constantly remind me what I deserve, even if it is against what I want in the moment. And I’m incredibly lucky to have such a great support group around me to ensure that I’m not going too crazy. 😉
How do I ensure that I stop this cycle of dating men who treat me poorly? I’m not really sure honestly. I’m in the process of trying to understand how to do that, and not give up hope or settle and realize that I would rather be alone than be with someone who isn’t what I want in a man. I guess it’s just sometimes hard to see, but I have to keep on trying, or else in the end, I’ll be unhappily with someone, not alone, but even worse in my opinion, stuck with someone who is less than what I want or deserve. As I always say, don’t give up. You deserve what you want… and just as I constantly have to remind myself, you will eventually get what you want. Maybe not today, maybe not this year, but at some point, if you keep on trying, you will succeed.